Of course, all of the residents at our apartments in Lynchburg, VA are very responsible. But, St. Patrick’s Day is a different kind of holiday that brings out the Irish in us all. You could call in sick with the “stomach flu” but any intelligent boss will know that stomach flu really means you had too many green beers. So, if you know someone who may have to call in sick the day after St. Patrick’s Day, here are some excuses you can share with them:
1. Your (imaginary) pet died.
This one’s a long con. A week or two before St. Patty’s cut out a picture of a fuzzy animal from a magazine and put it on your desk in a frame. Loudly announce to anyone who will listen that you’ve just adopted a new four-legged friend. Then on Monday morning kill off your imaginary pet in a tragic accident. Grieve in silence the rest of the week.
2. Bird attack.
Because when it comes down to it, no one would really put a violent attack past a bird.
3. Lady problems.
This is cheap and clichéd. But if you have a male boss, the words “lady problems” will work. Every. Single. Time.
4. You have fugue.
Fugue is a psychiatric disorder that usually involves unplanned travel or wandering and sometimes establishment of a new identity. It’s incredibly rare but your coworkers don’t need to know that. Find a friend with an out of town area code. Use their phone to call in work. Say you don’t know where you are or how you got there. If your boss questions it, you can accuse him of being insensitive about mental health conditions.
One quick web search and your boss will demand you take the rest of the week off. No one wants the guy with mites in his skin at the next cubicle.
6. Blame it on your kid.
If you have a child you’re in luck. They’re like gold mines for getting out of work. Give them whatever ailment you can think of-cough, flu, rash, lice, constipation. Only the meanest boss will order you to abandon your sickly child.
7. Blood work.
Give this one a little mystery. Say only that there have been some “irregularities” and your doctor is concerned. Pause dramatically, take a shuddering breath, and then insist you could cancel your appointment and come to work. You may be dooming yourself to some bad karma, but a day on the couch might be worth it.
8. Court summons.
This is a double-edged sword; because your boss will then wonder what legal trouble you’re in. But desperate times call for desperate measures.